Caleb Is So Money
by koolkame
Summary: Caleb is so money, he deserves to have a short written about his money-ness. One-shot. Spoilers for Season Two.


Disclaimer: Disney would never do anything like this, so you know it's not their work.

Summary: Caleb is so money, he deserves to have a short written about his money-ness. One-shot.

Author's Note: This is based off the popular Chuck Norris Facts and while I haven't directly copied anything from the many lists floating around the internet there are similar topics that are discussed here like masculinity, fertility and pee. Yes, pee. I may have adapted some without knowing, but I really tried to be original here and read the whole list at the website. The one about his tears _was_ adapted from one of the Chuck facts: "Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever." That's my favorite.

"So money" means someone is cool like millionaires are cool, FYI. And Caleb is so money! Be warned, this is me at my most juvenile. You will have no respect for me after this! Minor language, too, probably the most I've used but nothing above a PG-13 rating.

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**Caleb Is So Money**

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Caleb is so money, he wrestled a larvek to the ground with one arm tied behind his back-without using the other arm.

Caleb is so money, he charges Mogriffs copyright fees when they change into him. Standard price is an arm and leg-literally.

Caleb is so money, Disney is afraid to make a movie about him because his kick-ass-ness could hospitalize thousands of movie-goers.

Caleb's sword is the most powerful weapon in the multiverse-and his blade isn't bad, either.

It's stupid to believe Cornelia's friends will marry their boyfriends in the future; if they're going to marry anyone, all five will tie the knot with Caleb as will Elyon, Alchemy, Cassidy, strayphoenix, numerous OC babes like Belantha, Vernacula, Valin and every other hottie in the tri-dimensional area of Earth, Meridian and Candracar because Caleb is _sooooooo_ money.

Caleb could have freed Meridian all by himself, but he chose to wait until the Guardians showed up because he wanted more hot chicks around.

Caleb is completely immune to Blunk's stench, he just acts like it bothers him because it's the only thing the Passling has going for him.

Caleb "lets" Aldarn help him out because he doesn't want his brother-from-another-mother to get all mopey and whiny about him dating Aldarn's sister Vernacula.

Caleb avoids meeting the girls' mothers whenever he can-it gets awkward when middle-aged women fall victim to his unearthly sex appeal and kick-ass-ness. Mrs. Lin is bad enough.

Caleb is so money he loped off Gargoyle's other hand just by _glaring _at it-and then re-attached it with his spit.

Caleb fangirls are also called "females with pulses and common sense" while Caleb fanboys are usually called "envious little girls who think they're men like Caleb."

(...like the author of this one-shot.)

Caleb once had his own comic book-until it exploded from the sheer kick-ass-ness within the pages.

There is a rumor that Caleb was once a flower-that is a LIE. If anyone's a flower, it's the punks who started the rumor and Caleb is the weed-eater that will mow them down.

Caleb and Chuck Norris once considered having a friendly sparring match-but stopped when they realized they'd wreck most of North America.

Caleb is so money, the energy monster in the lake was made of his _urine_.

Caleb is so money, he was only staying in the oubliette to take a break and give Vathek something to do.

Caleb could have defeated Nerissa on his own, but he wanted W.I.T.C.H. to get some exercise so they'd stay hot-looking.

Caleb isn't the Heart of Meridian... he's an entirely _different_ organ...

Caleb was considered for the position of Oracle-but who the hell wants to be the Oracle?! All he's got is Luba and Halinor and Caleb has more women than Miranda has hairs.

Caleb once cried (it's true!) and his tears cured Martin of his geekiness (it's truer!) If it wasn't for Caleb's kick-ass-ness, Tubbs might actually have had a chance with Irma.

Caleb puts up with Cornelia's attitude for charity-if she vents on him, others will be spared. What a guy, Caleb.

Caleb was a cute kid-unless he was kicking Evil's ass with his rattle. Then he was just scary.

Caleb once got indigestion-that's what happens when you eat nails and shards of glass for breakfast.

Caleb went on Dancing With The Stars-and danced with an actual _SUN _because he's that hot.

Caleb is so money, even Phobos has the hots for him.

Caleb practices safe sex-he makes sure there are at least six girls so they can handle him.

Caleb once put out a grease fire at the _Silver Dragon_-by throwing himself on it to smother it. The fire died happy.

Caleb's pet name for Orube has _nothing_ to do with the fact she is half-cat.

Caleb once had a Rangorlang try to suck out his voice-it choked on his trash-talk.

Ask not what Caleb can do for you, but what you can do for Caleb and in what position (if you're a chick, that is.)

Caleb once lost his temper-_and the world ended._

Caleb once took the world by the tail-and he still has the tail.

Caleb can't ice-skate because it has nothing to do with destroying evil or sleeping with women-the only two things he gives a damn about.

Caleb loves Cornelia. Often. Repeatedly. Whenever they get a chance.

Miranda tried to attack Caleb once-now he has a kickin' black fur coat.

Guardians are all chicks for a reason: if Candracar ever made a team of male Guardians Caleb would have to be on it and his kick-ass-ness would render the other guys quivering masses of useless flesh.

The title of strayphoenix's fanfic "Everybody Loves Caleb" is the GOSPEL TRUTH.

Caleb got sick once and passed it on-they call it the Black Death now-a-days.

Caleb doesn't understand Earth technology-that's because it makes things easier and Caleb thrives on adversity.

Nerissa created Caleb to A. Overthrow Phobos and B. Brag about him to her girl friends. Caleb chose to do the C. option: Stick his crazy-ass momma in a jewel so she doesn't get in the way of his play.

Caleb once ate an entire hoogong-while it was still alive. It needed soy sauce.

Caleb went on American Idol-and won before he even started singing. Simon Cowell had an orgasm just looking at him.

Caleb is employee of the month at the _Silver Dragon_-every month, for as long as it stays open.

Mrs. Lin keeps Caleb in the basement because she doesn't want great-grandchildren from Hay Lin yet.

Sandpit tried attacking Caleb once-the rebel leader's kick-ass-ness turned him into kitty litter for Napoleon.

Matt looks up to Caleb because, duh! We all do.

Caleb has a zenith form like the Guardians-scientists call it, "the Big Bang."

Caleb is in touch with his feminine side-you _don't_ want to see it during PMS.

Caleb loves everyone-kicking someone's ass is the "tough" love.

Caleb resents fanfiction that depicts him as moody and bossed around by the girls. Thus, I will probably not live to see the end of the week.

Caleb once felt bad for killing someone-but only because no hot chicks saw him do it.

Phobos tried to attack Caleb once-Caleb rolled on the floor and laughed his ass off.

Nerissa made C.H.Y.K.N. young again because Caleb wanted MORE HOT CHICKS!

Caleb calls his father, "Dad." Everyone calls Caleb, "Daddy," because we're all his bee-yotches.

Caleb was considered to star on "Heroes"-until the producers realized he would kick Sylar's ass in seconds.

There is a movie about Caleb's fighting abilities-it's called "Armageddon."

Caleb's coat is the only thing as tough as Caleb himself-that's because it's made out of his hair.

Portals are rips in the space-time continuum caused by Caleb sneezing.

Caleb only has one "chink in his armor"-vaginas.

Caleb was going to star in Pirates of the Caribbean-but the Kraken threatened to quit when it found out Caleb had a fight scene with it.

Caleb is so money, he threw a massive party in Candracar. The Oracle? Towel boy for the jacuzzi.

Frost and Crimson tried to attack Caleb once-but Elyon kicked their asses because Frost stole her hair-style. Oh, come on, who _hasn't_ noticed that?

Caleb practices abstinence-he abstains from destroying everything in sight even though he could.

Caleb once fought the Six-Million-Dollar Man. All that was left was fifty-three scents and a track suit.

The name of adventure isn't Indiana Jones, it's actually called "Caleb's Bedroom."

Darth Vader took one look at Caleb and said, "The Force is incredibly freaky strong with this guy, I need to get the crap out of here!" Or something to that effect.

Caleb has a brand of cologne-it's called the "Smell of Impending Doom." Available in stores now.

Caleb is a little bit country, a little bit rock and roll and a whole lot of pain.

Caleb is so money because he's stinkin' rich. How? The military pays him to test their weapons of mass destruction. If it musses up his hair, it barely makes the cut.

Caleb+anything equals **better**.

Caleb was on an episode of "Lost"-it was the one where he kicked the smoke monster's smoky ass. Figure that one out.

Caleb is disappointed that he and Cornelia broke up in the comics-as for as he's concerned, every pretty lady is his 4ever.

When the W.I.T.C.H. TV series was canceled, Caleb... trust me, you don't even want to _know_ what he did.

When Caleb kisses her on the cheek, Yan Lin feels like she's sixty-three again.

Caleb is so money, he made me write this one-shot with threats and intimidation tactics that scared me to death-and he's _fictional_.

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Author's Note: Little back-story on how I came up with this: while I was at work I was thinking up some ideas for an original superhero I'm working on and I thought, I want him to bust in like Walker, Texas Ranger and tear everybody up. That got me thinking about the always amusing Chuck Norris Facts and since W.I.T.C.H. is never far from my mind, I started making up Facts for the franchise's resident alpha male, Caleb.

Belantha is an OC of mine and is hot for Caleb. Naturally. Orube and the Rangorlangs are from the comics.

Thank to strayphoenix for letting me include her, her OCs and the title of Everybody Loves Caleb for a great Fact. Go read it! Also, thanks to the creators of the Chuck Norris facts and the inspiration it brought. And extra-special thanks to Mr. Norris for not punching me with the fist hidden in his beard.

I didn't really like using the profanity, but it just wasn't working with the PG substitutes. If I have to cuss, I'd at least like it to be funny.

So, review and tell me what you think. Before Caleb finds me and...


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